Alternative to Love
by thebluninja
Summary: For Aria's Afterlife Valentine's Day competition. Right before Shepard and Tali can finally consummate their love, they get interrupted by Miranda and Jack fighting ... again. Ch2: Aria reads an online dating profile for Mordin Solus, and decides to contact him.
1. Chapter 1

Shepard breathed in deeply in anticipation as Tali moved forward towards him, her fingers moving to remove her mask. Right as her fingers touched the seals holding it in place, the comm chirped. "Uh, Commander?"

"Joker, you have ten seconds, and then you can flip a coin to decide whether Tali or I throw you out the airlock," he growled. One hand reached out to calm the woman he loved, her hands wringing in sudden nervousness.

"Sorry Commander, but Miranda and Jack are at it again. This time they're tearing up the Engineering sub-deck instead of Miranda's office." The pilot sounded far more meek and apologetic than usual, and signed off as Shepard voiced a literal growl.

He closed his eyes for a moment, taking two deep breaths to calm his anger. "Let's take care of this quickly, before they wreck the ship, and then we can get back to what we were doing."

_Five minutes earlier_

Jack lay on her bunk, practicing twirling her pistol idly. She'd been thinking about the Collector mission – hell, probably everyone left on board was, and even in her little nest she could tell the ship was quiet and empty. That was why it came as such a surprise when footsteps came down the stairwell. She knew it wasn't Tali – the little suit rat was up in the cabin with Shepard, she thought jealously.

Somehow, it should have surprised her more to see the Cheerleader come elegantly down the stairs with that so practiced sway and that arrogant smirk. She didn't know how Shepard could stand to talk to the ice queen day after day, though probably he was only staring at her tits. Just to be extra annoying, Jack remained silent, continuing to twirl her pistol.

Miranda stopped at the foot of the bunk, staring down at the half-nude rebel. "Do you think we're going to come back from this?" she asked without preamble.

Jack raised an eyebrow, stopping the pistol and slamming it home in the holster still on her thigh. "Probably. If anyone can pull this off, it's Shepard."

"Exactly." Miranda moved over, cocking a hip up onto one of the crates in a motion designed to draw the eye to the way the material tightened over her crotch. Jack told herself she was unimpressed. "When this is over, Tali's going to return to her fleet, one way or another."

There were a few moments of silence, and Jack finally turned up to a sitting position. "You going somewhere with this, cheerleader?" She gave a smirk of her own as a tiny flush spread across the other woman's cheeks.

"Stay out of my way while I help him get over Tali, and I swear to you Cerberus will never come after you again," she said simply, starting to turn away.

Jack's low chuckle stopped her a mere two steps away. "You got that wrong. _You_ are going to stay out of _my_ way, because he's going to need someone who won't _lie_ to him."

Miranda whirled around, a fierce scowl on her face. "You'll pay for that," she said, and lashed out with one hand. After watching Samara, she'd been trying to figure out how the justicar used her biotics to inflict crippling pain, but she didn't exactly have a test subject … until now.

The biotic force hit Jack almost instantly, given the point blank range, and as she collapsed in a convulsion to her bunk, Miranda thought for a moment it was a success. Then it passed, and Jack picked her head up. "Really? Your idea of threatening me is to hit me with a biotic blast to make me _cum_?"

Surprised, she took a step back, shaking her head. "Wait, no, that's not –" Her protest was cut off as Jack smacked her with a biotic blast of her own. For the first moment, it was searing pain, that in an instant tripped right over the line into knee-trembling pleasure. It was enough that she didn't even notice the warp-like effect shredding her impeccable white outfit. "Really?" she gasped out once she gained enough breath, and in moments the two of them were throwing around enough biotic power to impress a squadron of Asari commandos, had any been around to watch.

In the middle of this is when Shepard came down the stairs, Tali at his heels, and stopped in open-mouthed shock as he took in the tableau of the two biotics grappling with each other, hands wreathed in dark energy, clothes shredded and the scent of sex heavy on the air. He turned briefly to Tali, who was no less shocked, but less unsure about what to do.

One hand came up, her omni-tool flaring to life, and her defense drone popped into being in front of her. "Go for the lady bits, Chikita!" The drone took a half second, and then flicked out a painful electrical zap, breaking the two sweat-soaked women apart.

"Thank you, Tali," Shepard said coldly, stepping up beside the drone and, with an immeasurable amount of willpower, managing to keep his eyes on their faces. "I don't know what started this. I don't care. But if Engineering isn't picked up in two hours,"

"Three," Tali interrupted, quietly but firmly.

"_Three_ hours, then I'm authorizing Kasumi to give her vid recording of the whole thing to Joker." He lashed out with a hand, grabbing the cloaked thief by the arm and forcing her to return to visibility. "_Got it_?"

Without waiting for a response, he whirled around, wrapping one arm around Tali possessively, and returning straightaway to the elevator. Miranda and Jack simply stood there until the sound of the door above closing echoed down to them, then turned in unison to the thief. "I, ah, don't suppose there's room for me?" she asked saucily.

A moment later, the biotics left her writhing on the floor as they walked up the stairs together. "Care for a drink? I've been saving a bottle of scotch," Miranda said as they exited into the main passageway. "It's best enjoyed in comfort."

"You're on," Jack replied, then grabbed a firm handful of Miranda's butt. "Cheerleader," she purred.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: This was a quick drabble, written for a thread in Aria's Afterlife. We all came up with online dating profile for various people in ME, and then wrote other people's reactions to those profiles. This was Aria's reaction to Mordin's. Their profiles were written by Lady Amiee Krios (Mordin) and bluekrishna (Aria)._

* * *

Aria sat on her couch, bored out of her mind. The merc groups were being obedient, too busy chasing after that idiot vigilante; the customers were all agreeably paying their bar tabs; even the local stripper union had been quiet lately. So, out of a lack of anything better to do, she started flipping through the personal ads, even writing one up herself. Unsurprisingly, she had dozens of hits in the first minute, half of them drunk or stoned out of their mind, and half of those right downstairs at the dance floor trying to get her attention.

One profile caught her attention as she skimmed through. "Vivisection?" she murmured to herself. "Here's a guy who knows how to – oh, wait. Salarian." She tapped one finger against her cheek as she considered the profile anyway. At least he was here on Omega; some twits would get on from as far away as Bekenstein and somehow think she'd go visit them for a booty call. "What the hell. Anto, I'm going out," she shouted at her guard, strolling through the crowd, pushing away anyone dumb enough to try and grope her.

The streets of Omega were surprisingly quiet tonight, as she came in view of the clinic. "What kind of masochist runs a clinic here?" she asked herself, surprised to find a smile spreading across her face. She strode through the doors, ignoring the mechs and the human security guard. Pausing to glance at her omni-tool again, she looked around the nearly deserted waiting room. "Where's 'Doctor Feel Good?'" she demanded loudly.

A moment later, a salarian missing one horn stuck his head out of a treatment room. "Aria T'Loak. Unexpected. Have seat, be right with you." Before she could even open her mouth to chastise him, Mordin had ducked back inside. Slightly annoyed, she stalked down the hallway in his direction, ignoring the whimpering, indecisive security guard behind her.

"Take these, one every six hours. No skipping, complete full regimen, or infection will grow," Mordin was telling a batarian. As soon as the poor teenager caught sight of Aria T'Loak, Queen of Omega, he fainted dead away, causing the salarian to make disparaging noises. "Daniel!" he shouted past her, "Get mechs, take patient home. Please, into my office," he finally said to her, gesturing to the room across the hall.

She stalked across the hall, planting her ass on his desk and glaring imperiously as he calmly sat down behind the desk. "Visit unexpected. Did not expect profile would come to your attention."

She loomed over him, grabbing the top of his chair with one hand as she ran the other over the scarred remains of the missing horn. "You wanted to do some experimentation, didn't you, doctor?" she purred, trailing her hand down the side of his face to the top of his lab clothes. "I think I'm going to need some probing. A lot of probing."

"Happy to comply. Let me close the door." He tried to stand, only to have her slide off the desk to straddle him on the chair.

"I'll get the door. You get out of those clothes," she ordered, using her biotics to hit the door control.

* * *

Four hours later, she strode out of his office, her only clothes tattered strips of fabric around her neck and waist. "Come back if symptoms return," Mordin said wearily, leaning against the doorframe. She stretched languidly, her skin glistening from sweat, blood, and other fluids, and sauntered out into the streets. So what if she was almost naked?

She _was_ Omega, and today, Omega felt like showing off.

* * *

Name: Aria T'loak

Username: ComfyRedLeatherCouch

Location: Nasty, filthy, lawless, beautiful Omega.

Relationship Status: Interviewing applicants for recently vacated positions. All positions. Warning: High turn around and no, you will not be informed what happened to the last one.

Orientation: Technically bi. But I definitely prefer the 'V' over the 'D'.

Looking For: Anyone who thinks they can keep up with me. I would love to show them how wrong they are. So if you're comfortable always being the beta, come try your luck, my pretties. Aria has room on her couch(and her bed) for you.

Occupation: Crimelord. Which means I'm judge, jury and executioner of a hotbed of intrigue and violent brutality.

Hobbies & Skills: You need it, I got it. Whether that is information, weapons, drugs, slaves, whatever. I also own the best titty bar in the Terminus Systems. Sometimes I like to, as a hobby, receive supplicants at my altar of sin completely nude. Makes me feel powerful to unsettle visiting dignitaries. You should see their faces...Priceless. I also dabble in macrame.

About Me: Everything you need to know about me, you can find in any newsvid. Go ahead, pick one at random. I'm a high profile villainess with ambition and long reaching goals.

Don't Message Me If: You're squeamish. Or if you don't like the sight of blood. Or if you think you can challenge me in my domain. Do not test me.

* * *

Mordin Solus.

**Username**: DoctorFeelGood.

**Location**: In my lab... where else would I be?

**Relationship Status**: Single.

**Orientation**: NA

**Looking For**: Purely scientific reason for sexual encounters experienced, egg carrier wanted. Would be helpful if applicant not adverse to certain experimental procedures (to be disclosed after agreement reached). Within reason, of course.

**Occupation**: I am the very model of a scientist salarian. *Cough* Apologies, singing... sometimes problematic. Scientist and doctor.

**Hobbies & Skills**: Singing, acting, experimenting on seashells, people and dung on one unfortunate occasion. And chronic caffeine addict (Tried it once as a test... more tests are needed)

**About Me**: I like long walks on the beach and sunsets. And vivisecting live organisms. And dissecting dead ones. I think I just like taking things apart to find out how they work. The screaming gets a little annoying though.

**Don't Message Me If**: Unwilling to participate in some... invasive experimentations. Dislike coffee, dislike singing. Hmmm unwilling to be offensive... please no applicants... of lower intelligence than... perhaps Drell? Elcor, vorcha please do not apply.


End file.
